dear brother-in-law

i've been meaning to write this since you left 2 days ago, but i'm just now catching my breath from all the weekend's activities. it certainly was nice of you to travel 7+ hours in the minivan from charlotte with uber-religious-wife-who-doesn't-speak, almost-9-year-old-who-just-learned-to-tie-his-shoes and almost-5-year-old-who-still-wants-to-be-carried-around-like-a-baby-and-you-DO-IT for natey's first birthday party. i wish i could say i enjoyed the visit, but who are we kidding here? your brother thinks i'm kidding, but i am not. becuase of what transpired this past weekend, you are never allowed in this house again. in all honesty, you are the only one that i actually would allow in the house, but uber-religious-wife, almost-9-and-picks-his-nose and almost-5-and-looks-like-a-malnourished-2-year-old? uh-uh. i've seen some fucked up families in my time, but yours has got to be the most fucked. and the worst part is, you and uber-religious-wife have done this! your kids are maniacs and it is YOUR FAULT.

i know you've been parents longer than me, and that fact kinda makes me pause and wonder if i'm overreacting but, no. NO. after this weekend, i know i am right. since i became a parent the welfare of all children has taken on a new importance for me. before jack was born it was easy to ignore the out-of-control kid at the grocery store or the kid who's eating a doughnut for lunch while his family eats real food because he doesn't like what they're eating, but now it bothers me. it bothers me because these kids are the product of bad parenting. parenting is about taking the reins and guiding your children. parenting is about discipline. of course, parenting is also about unconditional love and having fun and all those good things, too, but you have to make all these things work together. it's not easy, but you do it because your children will be better people for it. you do not understand this. and it fucking INFURIATES me.

the thing that pissed me off the most this weekend is your sons' inability to sit down and eat. what's so fucking hard about sitting at the table and eating a meal??? first, looks-like-a-malnourished-2-year-old wants to stand on his chair and pouts when i tell him that chairs are for sitting not standing. then picks-his-nose is sitting at the table hacking up his lungs and rubbing his nose with his hands before dinner is served, and only goes to wash his hands after i tell jack that it's time to wash his hands, and maybe he should go wash his hands, too. so i serve cheese pizza, because what kid isn't going to eat cheese pizza, and i know what pathetic eaters your kids are. well, your boys proved me wrong. looks-like-a-malnourished-2-year-old took maybe 2 bites and kept getting up and walking around the table to try and climb in your lap, which you allowed. picks-his-nose ate about half a slice and drained his orange juice which we never should have allowed him to have, because jack didn't understand why he was given milk, even though that is what we always serve him with dinner. so your boys decide they're done, which they clearly are not because there is a full plate of food in front of both of them, and get up to wander around and play with the baby toys in the next room. gee, i wonder what jack is going to think of all this?

"mom, i'm done."

"no jack, you're not. you need to finish your pizza and then you can get down."

"no! i'm DONE." [starts crying]

"honey, no. we eat all our dinner, right? just because they're done, doesn't mean you are."

"NO! please mommy, i'm done!" [loud crying, yanking away from me, trying to get away from the table]

"jack, no! you know that if you don't eat you are not getting any dessert tonight, and you're not going to eat anything until breakfast. sit down. [your asshole boys are sitting in the living room looking at us and continuing to play] look guys, you are distracting those of us who are still eating. if you're not going to sit at the table and finish, go upstairs!"

"mommy, i want to play! i'm done!" [crying, crying, more crying. i take him into the office]

"jack honey, you need to eat. we always have to eat all of our food, no matter what anyone else is doing. DAVID. get in here!"

so it goes on like this for a few minutes. i am so fucking mad, i'm bitching at dave in a crazy whisper but half-hope you can hear me. dave goes upstairs and asks your boys to come down and sit at the table because that is the only way jack will sit down and finish his dinner. miraculously, they come down. i am so pissed i have to stay in the office for a while to calm down. so, what's the problem here? do you even see a problem?? through this entire episode, you and your asshole wife just sat there. you said NOTHING. did NOTHING. even when the boys came back to the table and you had the opportunity to say, "hey guys, it's rude to leave the table while others are still eating, and you should ask permission first. plus, jack is younger than you so you need to set an example." HA. in my fucking dreams would you say something like that. at least you were smart enough to get them the fuck out of here and back to the hotel after dinner. i'm sure they much preferred their dinner of vending machine chips, cookies and pop, anyway.

so this goes WAY beyond this incident. your kids are nightmares. they are socially retarded, have NO manners and eat like, god i don't know what they eat like! they don't eat. when i first met them you would let them eat all kinds of shit -- pudding for breakfast, doughnuts for lunch, chocolate chip pancakes for dinner -- and they wouldn't even finish it! laughably, uber-religious-wife has gotten on some organic food kick, which your mother swears is working because now they don't get to eat junk, but it looks to me like they just don't eat period. oh, unless you're on vacation, i guess? they ate plenty of crap while you were here, all of which you provided for them. how does it make you feel to know that your kids look sick? i'm not joking about them looking malnourished. i think they ARE malnourished. and it's because you don't want to be the bad guy and take away all the shit they love and make them eat what is good for them. you don't want to MAKE them sit at the damn table. they have no manners because you let them pick their noses and don't make them wash their hands and never taught them how to say "please" and "thank you". they don't even say "hello" when we haven't seeen them for months! ugh. i used to think all these things could be blamed on uber-religious-wife's homeschooling methods, but now i'm not so sure. the fact that they're socially retarded is most definitely a result of the homeschooling, but all this other shit is just bad parenting. YOUR bad parenting. i'm no childrearing expert, but being with your kids has made me so incredibly proud of jack.

so, enough reaming you a new asshole. your family refuses to tell you any of this stuff. they say you are stubborn and saying something will just result in bad feelings. fine. if you were my brother i wouldn't think twice about talking to you, but since you are just my in-law, i will handle this differently. i am not kidding when i say your family is not welcome at our home. if you suggest coming to visit i will make up any excuse to prevent it. we will not be coming to visit you, either. maybe when jack is older and less impressionable, but certainly not anytime soon. who knows, maybe your kids will change as they get older, but i don't see that happening without your intervention. i hope you realize this before it's too late.

so let me end this on a positive note and say thank you. thank you for coming up for nate's first birthday. but, most of all, thank you for showing me what a good job we're doing raising jack. natey is sure to follow in his footsteps.

all the best,
your sister-in-law