well, i'm obviously being punished

what other explanation could there be for this trying day? i'm feeling quite dejected as a result of learning two things: 1) our pediatrician wants nate tested for his delays in speech and gross motor skills, and 2) no one wanted to play with jack at camp today. and the worst part of it? i felt pretty damn good when i woke up today -- refreshed, energized, all the good stuff you should feel after a long vacation. fuck me.

nate had his 15-month check-up today. he's in the 60th percentile for height, but only the 10th percentile for weight. no big deal. he's not walking and he's not talking. BIG DEAL. of course, dr. feldman feels that it's probably nothing, he's just a late-bloomer, but feels its best to have him tested. and now everything nate does looks off to me. SIGH. i know that he's understanding what we're saying, he's just not responding with words. but he doesn't call us "mama" or "dada" or really say anything intelligible. and now i feel like i've been horribly negligent, though i don't really know what more i can do! i talk to him all day long, i call things by their proper names, but something's just not clicking. OR he's really a late-bloomer, but how can i possibly accept that as an explanation? at this stage of the game i'm always going to expect the worst, which is fucked up and pessimistic, but what can i say? i'm prone to hysteria when it comes to my kids and their well-being. SIGH.

so the walking thing i'm not so worried about. jack didn't walk until he was 15-months old, and he's just fine. nate pulls himself up, cruises around, climbs everything in sight, feeds himself, etc etc. he's just not so into the walking yet. it'll happen soon, i'm sure. i hope.

the county has this infant and toddlers program that requires pediatricians refer patients that they feel are developmentally delayed to be evaluated. you call them, they come to the house, make their assessment and either go on their merry way if they feel things are A-OK or talk therapy options. they obviously get a ton of calls, or so it would seem from the answering machine message asking for info and warning you that it could be several days before you hear back from them. dr. feldman said it could even be weeks before someone can come out to evaluate nate. GREAT. so now i get to neurotically watch nate's every move until they have time to call me back and schedule a visit for god knows when. PERFECT.

the jack thing is probably no big deal, but i always worry about him in social situations. he's not the kind of kid that just jumps into the action or leads play. he's more a follower, which bothers me, but i realize there's nothing i can really do about it, and that there's nothing really wrong with it. everyone can't be a leader, right? anyway, i guess starting summer camp with all new kids is an adjustment that can take a while to get used to. i think he just needs time to get to know the kids, and he doesn't really even seem bothered by not having anyone to play with today, so why does it make me feel like shit? because i know what it feels like to be left out, i suppose. granted, my memories of those kinds of feelings came much later in life, but it's that fierce, protective maternal instinct that kicks in at times like these. all i can think is that i want him to have friends and be happy and feel included. SIGH. i just need to chill out -- he senses that him telling me about today concerns me, and i need to not make a big deal about it. it just wasn't what i needed to hear after the developmental delay talk, you know?

so yeah, not such a great day. i was hoping to recap the trip, but that will have to wait. but you can see photos here! *grumble grumble* yeah, the trip that i am being punished for as we speak! no, i kid. it was a wonderful trip and the kids did really well. nate would still not be walking or talking and jack would still have no friends at camp if we had stayed home. i just need to repeat that a few dozen times so i believe it.