call me pathetic, call me what you will

damn, i can't get that out of my head! worse, i can't even remember what song it comes from. so in exactly 48 hours dave and i will be on a plane headed for chicago to hang with our friend scott for the day then back on another plane headed for dublin. i should be totally psyched for this first trip away from kids, right?? 9 WHOLE DAYS. i should totally be planning the late nights and late mornings and how i'm going to enjoy no diaper changes and no crying or whining and long showers and eating a whole meal uninterrupted! i should be doing these things, but instead i'm wracked with anxiety. i'm actually starting to feel kind of numb. there are still 6 million things to be done before chris and dave's mom get here tomorrow, but i feel paralyzed. in my head i know that everything is going to be fine. of course everything's going to be fine -- chris is going to be here, dave's mom is going to be here for a few days, my mom's just a phone call away if they need help, our friends are pitching in....yet i still feel anxious. FUCK.

i swear nate knows something is up -- he has been unbelievably clingy with separation anxiety the past few days. yesterday my mom was over to play with him and jack while i tried to get through my mile-long list of shit, and he would freak out if i even moved towards the door. my mom would distract him with something and he'd be fine for a few minutes, but as soon as he looked around and saw that i wasn't in the room, or he could hear my voice in another part of the house, he'd wail --big, chest-heaving sobs with fat tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. once i held him he was fine. FUCK.

so this is where i get all fucking crazy with guilt and anxiety, not only over leaving him with virtual strangers for 9 days (since they're from out-of-town he's spent limited time with them, and unfortunately the earliest they could get here was the afternoon before we leave the next morning, and i'm worried that's not enough time for him to get acclimated to them), but now i'm thinking about what possible consequences there could be to this whole thing. what if we come back and he's different?? like, sullen and withdrawn and not the happy, fun-loving baby we know him to be??? what if our abandoning (i can't think of a better word, and since i'm feeling like a shitty mother right now, it works) him makes him distrustful of us? what if his awesome sleeping habits become fucked up?? what IF??? FUCK.

i know, i know, i'm being ridiculous and hysterical. but he's my baby! and we've never been apart! he spends all his time with me! thank god jack will be here and they'll be at home in their own beds with their own toys. jack is going to be fine -- i actually think he's looking forward to it. he's at that great age when everything seems like an adventure. *sniff* my big boy! god i'm going to miss them. FUCK.