you say it's your birthday...

so yeah. wow. 36. years old. 36 years old. it just doesn't seem possible, you know? i'm way too immature to be 36! but i guess it all adds up: twice married, two kids, homeowner. huh. 36 it is, then!

whenever my birthday rolls around, i try really hard not to get all reflective and shit because, honestly, i don't feel like i've done much in these 36 years. let me clarify: i haven't done much that matters. sure, i've got two fabulous kids and a wonderful husband, but other than that there's not much to say. i'm no career woman -- i decided long ago that contrary to how ambitious and career-driven capricorns are supposed to be, i just don't care about being successful in the workplace. sure, i like money, and a sense of accomplishment, but those things don't drive me, you know? about 10 years ago i finally realized that what is most important to me are my relationships with people, and that there isn't anything wrong with that. at the time i was in an awful relationship with my ex-husband, and made the decision to pour my energy into building stronger connections with people that i care about (and that care about me), rather than stress about some job that didn't really matter to me at the end of the day. it was the best decision i ever made. now it's not that i don't enjoy working, necessarily -- i actually quite enjoy my chosen profession of opticianry, and working on 60 bugs has made me realize just how much i love working with my hands and making things -- but i think it's the working for someone other than myself that is the problem. oh, and the working on a strict schedule and all that other shit. my heart's just not in it. could it be that i'm just really fucking lazy? maybe. heh. no, i actually do like feeling useful (why do i feel like thomas the tank engine when i say that??) and having something to show for my time and effort. this is why 60 bugs is brilliant -- hopefully it will be all i know it can be. if it is, then maybe i'll finally feel like i have done something all on my own that matters, plus make good friends along the way. bonus!

here's to figuring out what i want to do with my life at 36! whee!