life sucks hard sometimes

i've recently found out that a friend's wife, who had been diagnosed with leukemia, is now fighting various infections including pneumonia and breathing with a ventilator. she underwent a bone-marrow transplant a few months back, but it looks like it didn't "take", as she now has no white cells to fight infection. they are a young couple with a 3 year old son.

i'm going to risk any possible jinxing and say that i have been lucky to not have faced any serious or potentially fatal illness among my family or close friends. but the pessimist in me is always waiting for "the other shoe to drop", so to speak. when so many people are sick and/or dying, how have i been so fortunate? sometimes i feel like i've been too lucky, and get a little crazy over things like new moles and unfamiliar pains. it's not often, but i can be a serious hypochondriac if i read a well-timed article on "HOW TO FIND OUT IF THAT TINY FRECKLE IS REALLY SKIN CANCER AND SAVE YOUR LIFE!" or "THIS WOMAN THOUGHT SHE JUST HAD INDIGESTION BUT SHE WAS REALLY DYING! SEE IF HER SYMPTOMS MATCH YOURS!" bastard alarmist journalists! but they know their audience -- they know ME. i will call my doctor and make check-up appointments after reading these articles. why fuck around? i've got too much to live for and don't want to risk missing anything. i want to embarrass jack in front of his girlfriend. i want to sit in the backseat when natey gets his driver's license. i want to be the mother of the groom. i want to meet my grandchildren!

i suppose we are all born equally fragile. something like leukemia can invade our bodies and strip us of our immunity, not stopping to ask questions or getting to know us and our lives. not finding out what or who we have to live for. all we can do is fight.

keep fighting, christine. i want you to meet your grandchildren.