OUCH. MY OVARIES.

yesterday i was smacked in the face with the realization that i will not be having any more kids. i knew this, but i guess i didn't know this. like, emotionally, you know? natey and i were playing and practicing words (his talking has exploded, though he's mostly stuck on words that start with B. hey, i'm cool with that! he's TALKING.) and chasing each other, and as he ran across the room with a huge toothy smile and hugged me with his two little arms wrapped tight around my neck, my heart basically melted. POW. it hit me: my baby isn't really a baby anymore. he's going to be two years old next month, and is going to keep growing and moving and won't want to hug me as much and will talk back and OH MY GOD i'm going to miss this little boy in diapers.

what is it about babies? i know exactly what it is: they're helpless and love you unconditionally and don't care if you haven't showered in three days and they're just goddamn CUTE. i LOVE babies! okay, more specifically, i love MY babies. having jack and nate has changed my life in ways i never thought possible, and i guess i'm not sure if i'm ready to give that baby high feeling up just yet. i love feeling needed the way my boys need me, but there's something so powerful about the way a baby needs you. it's a feeling like no other. dave and i have talked about my wanting another baby, but he's against it. his fears are breadwinner-like, in that he basically thinks we don't have enough money to have more kids than we do now. there's clothes (if it's a girl, though i kinda dig the big brother hand-me-down tomboy look. oh, who am i kidding? i'd be all over that pink shit!) and there's preschool (we love montessori, but it's fucking expensive! jack has had such a wonderful experience, but i'm pretty sure that nate will not be riding the montessori train.) and there's space (our house is small already, and even though our neighborhood is great and our property value is through the roof, we couldn't afford to buy another house here. i refuse to move further out.) and, most importantly, there's my total lack of budgeting ability. so basically, i don't know how to live within our means, so it's my fault we can't have another baby. hrm.

to be honest, there are days i want another baby (like yesterday) and there are days where i'm absolutely sure that two boys is enough. what chafes me is not having the option, and feeling like i can't do something i want to do because of something stupid like money. i know i could make adjustments if we were to get pregnant again -- i'm not a damn moron! we could make it work. i guess the question is do i really want this? or does yesterday's smack in the face mean that my heart has accepted, sad as it may be, that there will be no more babies? SIGH. let me think about it some more and get back to you.